Its 3 am as of writing this and I just feel sad. Very sad. Sometimes I just get reminded that I'm alone. I never was in a relationship and seeing someone that is just happy with someone else hurts me. I really don't have any hope that I will find someone ever. I just want someone loving me close. I know that I'm still young and I will find someone eventually but I don't quite feel loved by anyone and it's really putting me down. And even if I did found someone why would they live so far away? Why I have to be lonely?
Creating any form of a relationship is hard for me. I get stressed out when meeting someone, I back out and I don't speak much. I almost get paralyzed. I always think about what the other person will think about me. If I did something wrong or said something stupid. I always get intrusive thoughts. I don't know if it's just being shy or fear or other shit. It's so deep in me that I can't get rid of it no matter what and It's killing me.
I've changed school two times due to having too much work and my mental health issues. It my first school I meet really nice people. Like ones that I really enjoyed spending time with. I wanted to spend some time after school with them playing games but when I did I felt so strange. I have no idea how to explain this but I felt wrong about it. Also I felt fomo cause my friend pack (the only friends I have to this day) were playing too. I left my classmates and never really gotten talking to them after lessons. I feel like I missed such an opportunity to meet some amazing people and It's on my mind to this day. Especially that I've lost contact with a guy named Julek. We were just so damn different but also the same at the same time. I still can reach out to him but after three years? I would just feel ashamed to just randomly send a message. And It's just on my mind to this day. That I fucked up. That I had an opportunity to change my life and I left it behind. That I could still do this but I'm just scared again. But why? That's boggling me. WHY THE FUCK AM I SCARED? Of what? Like the embarrassment I would feel would be minimal in the worst scenario and in the best I could have someone who would just like me and I could spend some time with.
I'm still thinking about it. If I should write to him. My friend once said to me that I really need someone in my life. That this would help me a lot and make me happy. He's right but he also said that it will be hard for me. How should I approach this? I just have no damn idea...
Also if even someone is reading it by some fucking miracle, happy Easter. Hope it's better for you than it will be for me.
18.04.2025